barryandstuart.com

Doing magic shows for television has meant that we sometimes get to perform our illusions for real celebrity guests (although, technically, sawing a woman in half is murder up until the point you put the halves back together again. )

Here is a list of the top 5 UK celebrities that, given the opportunity, we would love to ambush with our violent guerilla magic.

5. Piers Morgan

It’s the totally unqualified “Britain’s got Talent” judge Piers Morgan, or as ‘Private Eye’ magazine refer to him “Piers Moron”. For someone who claims to be an authority on talent and celebrity, he seems to be making his talent and reason for becoming a celebrity simply being unable to get along with people.

The Illusion:

He is strapped down on a large red X. The X gradually increases in size every time Ian Hislop, Jeremy Clarkson et al push a buzzer, causing his arms and legs to become stretched almost to the point of being torn off… almost guys, almost.

4. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

One of the UK’s favourite ‘it’ girls. The real life Carrie Bradshaw makes her living out of being seen outside nightclubs at 3am usually drunk and half asleep and making numerous television appearances whilst overdosed on cocaine or drunk. It’s safe to say that TPT isn’t all there, especially since her septum collapsed after years of abuse from her £400 a day coke habit.

The Illusion:

The old “look, got your nose” trick that your uncle used to do seems inappropriate here so instead we have devised an illusion that is more suited to her.

A giant hamster wheel is set up that as long as it is turning will prevent her wardrobe of designer clothes from being lowered onto a furnace. All the keep fit mad Tara has to do is run for all eternity whilst she watches her clothes slowly bob up and down over the rising flames. Where’s the trick in that I hear you ask? Well the feat is in the woman’s stamina. She will run for 27 years without eating or sleeping in order to save that precious wardrobe.

3. Paul Danan

He took to the stage, the audience gave him a polite round of applause, took the microphone and cried “Make some motherfucking noise Preston!”. 3000 people who had turned up to watch the town’s Christmas lights being turned on were alienated. His actions resulted in him being fired from his role in the town’s version of “Jack and the Beanstalk” and fined £80 by the local police.

Apart from being seen with a different girlfriend on an almost weekly basis and swearing in front of toddlers and grannies I’m not really sure what this guy does anymore. Used to be an actor, now just won’t go away despite nearly dying after a cocaine overdose early last year and suffering from alcohol-related problems.

The Illusion:

We wheel on a box. Pry the wretched thing open with crowbars and bang it around to show you that it is indeed completely empty and devoid of all gimmicks. We close the box, whack it hard with magic wands and when it is opened a nice fresh brain has appeared inside.

*for the above illusion substitute “box” with “Paul Danan’s head”.

2. The Cheeky Girls

Two assistants for the price of one here. Born on Halloween in Transylvania, surely these twins must be some kind of devil spawn. These strange, alien creatures have already performed their very own impressive magic trick of having face-lifts, breast implants, bum implants… and still remain unattractive. Who paid for all this remains another mystery, perhaps that contributed heavily to the fact that the girls went bankrupt recently?

However, being masters of deception, one of them - Gabriela - has managed to swindle herself and her sister out of deportation back to Romania and is coincidentally romancing Welsh MP and Liberal Democrat laughing stock Lembit Öpik.

The Illusion:

This illusion is called ‘Gemini’. The twins are placed together in a large container that gets smaller and smaller, crushing bones and squeezing flesh and bum until the device reaches the stage where the twins literally merge into one giant super-cheeky-girl. This über cheeky monstrosity can then go on a money scavenging rampage to avoid the inevitable career waiting for her back on the streets of Transylvania.

1. Kerry Katona

The lapdancer turned “Atomic Kitten” member admitted that she never actually sung when she was part of the band, was meant to be the role model for mums everywhere when she was the iconic motherly figure in the Iceland adverts, whilst off-screen was drinking heavily and smoking whilst pregnant. It was also alleged that she took drugs during her pregnancy.

The Illusion:

To make the real life Vicky Pollard feel at home, naturally the stage would be very smoky. ‘Magic wuffle’ dust is blown into the air and when the white cloud clears the self confessed laddette has completely disappeared. Children rejoice!