Seriously, carrying around a special bag for frozen dog turds? On their official site they claim that you can:
“keep it under the sink for those occasions in which your pet has diarrhea or loose stool.”
The site even sells CD’s that will relax your pet and ease separation anxiety. I would have thought that having a CD on a loop for 8 hours whilst you go off to work would make a dog even more insane.
Scientists have not yet managed to find a cure for cancer but they have managed to work out how to freeze faeces and make decent pet owners spend money on dubious items. Be joyous!
A total lowlife scum of a human being crept into my building last night and had the cheek to steal my pedal bike. I’d only had the thing for six months!
They somehow broke the chain and just rode off with it in the middle of the night.
If you see an individual riding on a bike that looks like I should be riding it, please kick the urchin off, shout verbal abuse at him (do include the word guttersnipe - just to keep me happy) and then inform him that the bike has a special thumb-print handlebar recognition system, so that if he rides it another 10 metres the seat will fire two spikes directly upwards that are specially positioned to puncture the scrotum and anus respectively… That’ll teach him.
Alan Abel: jazz musician, comedian and general prankster hates tipping waiters and waitresses in restaurants - even when the service has been fairly good. I must admit that being a Scotsman I do too, as these workers will surely at least be on the minimum wage. I don’t tip my doctor and he might save my life.
Alan suggests that to avoid such tipping embarrassment, you print off cards like the one below. You simply tick the box(es) to detail the reasons why you did not tip. Of course, it is more fun to not tick any of them and just keep them guessing.
Use it wisely… if you suspect that you may dine in the restaurant again then maybe you should think twice before risking having your food spat in during your next visit.
Bonus Tipping Bit:
There is an old joke in which you brazenly put your hand into the top pocket of a cab driver’s shirt or jacket, rustling a small packet whilst saying, “Have a drink on me”. It is only polite for the driver to wait until you have left his taxi before investigating what gratuity you have left him.
It is then he discovers that the rustling packet was actually a teabag.
Roll up, roll up, behold the amazing freaks of nature I have in store for you. Straight from the hills of a distant place called Hollywood we have some of the strangest specimens your eyes will ever see. Marvel at their appearance, and behold the awesome differences between you and I. For only 6d you’ll have an experience you’ll never forget (and fellas, it’s a great place to take your date) it’s the one and only Celebrity Freak Show!
Corey Haim & Corey Feldman - The Pinhead Brothers
These specimens were found lying in a gutter after overdosing on lemonade and Read More »
The Edinburgh Fringe Festival online ticket booking system has suffered from extreme technical problems this week and hasn’t been able to start selling any tickets yet. Fear not, there is a way to ensure your place for our ultra limited spaces this August.
You can secretly buy tickets here ahead of the official box office opening on Monday, beating any non-warlocks who don’t visit this blog to a place.
Now go forth and book so you don’t end up looking as disappointed as this guy…
Thanks to the people who have sent us nice things! We can’t post all of them here but we would like to give a special mention to the ever faithful Magick Mel. She has created these images that can be used as wallpapers and backgrounds. She is also the curator of Barry and Stuart: Thee Fansite and it constantly amazes me how she finds pictures that neither of us remember having taken, or even knew existed.
The black and white picture, for example, confused me for several minutes before I finally remembered where it had been snapped.
My house lies at the side of a curved shaped road. I usually take route A to get from the station to my house on foot but I thought that due to the width of the road and the long curve would it actually be shorter and therefore quicker to cross the road and take route B to my house. The only way I can find out for sure is to put it to rigorous scientific testing.
Aim: To see which of two routes is quicker to my house from the train station.
Method: I shall walk both routes counting the number of footsteps and timing the journey using the second hand on my wristwatch.
Results: My normal route A is 423 steps and took 4 minutes and 7 seconds to complete whereas route B took 391 steps and took 3 minutes and 48 seconds to complete.
Conclusion: The results of my experiment proved two things:
Route B is shorter and quicker, therefore route B is now how I will walk from my house to the station. If I have to wait a total of 19 seconds for cars before crossing the road though, then I may as well have taken the old route.
Personality deficient Scarlett Johansson has attempted to make a cover album which is released today. Taking it’s title from a song off the truly marvellous album Rain Dogs, “Anywhere I lay my Head” consists entirely of Tom Waits covers.
The fact that she can’t sing will only be the beginning of your frustration in listening to this album. Not content in sucking all soul and meaning form these great songs, Scarlett, whose vocals are so low in the mix it’s as if they’ve been recorded on a walkman, somehow manages to twist the melancholy, broken down and wandering-lost central theme of Waits’ career into a vacuous vanity project.
Here’s the video for Falling down, which contains some inspired imagery to go with the reworked classic such as Scarlett having her hair done, Scarlett having her make up done and Scarlett blowing some bubble gum on a bus…
Doing magic shows for television has meant that we sometimes get to perform our illusions for real celebrity guests (although, technically, sawing a woman in half is murder up until the point you put the halves back together again. )
Here is a list of the top 5 UK celebrities that, given the opportunity, we would love to ambush with our violent guerilla magic.
5. Piers Morgan
It’s the totally unqualified “Britain’s got Talent” judge Piers Morgan, or as ‘Private Eye’ magazine refer to him “Piers Moron”. For someone who claims to be an authority on talent and celebrity, he seems to be making his talent and reason for becoming a celebrity simply being unable to get along with people.
